im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize