I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Two words: nipple clamps
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
