WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
