i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
