I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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