remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
