I could make wine with my vomit
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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