In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
