Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
