shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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