I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
