I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
