who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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