i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
