sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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