I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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