I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
