we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
