i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
