my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
