Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I cockslap morals
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize