Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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