rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
