I accidentally had phone sex last night
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
