I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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