Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
