i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Someone came in the potted fern
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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