This girl is more easily done than said...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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