im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
