There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I believe in your delicious
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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