Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize