i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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