Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
