you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
