god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
