If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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