chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
