I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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