well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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