i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
