he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize