I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
