1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
