we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
