Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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