you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
this just has baby written all over it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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