I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
