She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
