note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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