final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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