The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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