U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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