I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
