I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
