Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The best revenge is premature balding
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize