I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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